We’re sorry to be the ones to break the bad news, but after a long talk with your parents, therapist, and five of your closest friends, we came to the pretty simple conclusion that the constant worrying you do—in regards to every social interaction you partake in—isn’t a symptom of some sort of anxiety disorder, but instead a completely normal reaction to watching people interact with your terribly insufferable self.
That’s right Dear Reader, You! Now you’re probably thinking “What about my fears of dying alone? Or never getting married?” And to that, well, we’d say it wouldn’t be entirely correct to call them “fears” per se. Perhaps educated guesses, or astute observations about where things seem to be going. And if you’re wondering whether or not everyone at the gym could tell it was your first time working out, yes! Yes they all could, and they were secretly critiquing your form. Maybe it’s best to just leave some things to the pros.
Some people you know, who have decided to remain anonymous, (not out of cowardice, but to avoid having to interact with you) have told us that you “always know the exact wrong thing to say”. And that “that one joke you bombed when we first met was a deciding moment in the future trajectory of our relationship”.
“What about my girlfriend?” You say? You’re just lucky your parents are as affluent as they are, they’ve been paying her to hang out with you since your sophomore year of high school. Her “forgetting to text” is just your parents not having paid that months dues yet. She’s racked up over 15 grand at this point! And god bless her.
We at the Sunnyside Instigator are, of course, unbiased in our reports, and so we are completely disallowed from publishing our opinions on your inter-relational struggles. But we certainly will be talking about them behind your back!
