MORGANTOWN W.VA — A young man was hospitalized late yesterday afternoon following an unsupported fall from the WVU Campus Recreation Rock Climbing Wall. The fall, we are told, resulted in him breaking every bone below the waist, a predictable outcome given that he attempted to land his fall in a catlike manner; erect, vertical, and directly on his feet, which resulted in his shin bones being pushed through his femur like an arrow splitting another arrow in twain. Doctors at J.W Ruby Memorial Hospital told us that it was “seriously unlike anything they had ever seen before”, and that with any luck they’d “be able to remove his feet from his upper thighs within the week”.
Although the University has not responded to our requests for comment, several rock wall employees (who were present at the time of the ascent, and encouraged the man to go for it) said there was “literally no way he was gonna make it up and down that wall.”, but that it was “beautiful to watch him try”.
The student, though on a heavy course of sedatives to minimize the pain which occurs as a result of the conjoining on ones tibia, fibula, and femur in one fell swoop, was able to give us a few statements between fading in and out of consciousness and asking us to go away. He stated, unsurprisingly, that he was directly inspired by Alex Honnold, and his recent climb of Taipei 101, broadcast on Netflix. Honnold has had an untold, and frankly irreversible impact on the world of climbing and outdoor sports in general. Featured in the Oscar winning 2015 documentary Free Solo, Honnold became famous for his unique style of climbing which involves using no ropes or protective equipment at all, in what is really the one sport that necessitates them most.
To the student, we wish you a speedy recovery, and hope to see you back on the wall, untethered once again, soon!
