“Wowee!! It’s just what I imagined it would be like!” Said tourist Lou N. Beeold, in regards to his arrival and exploration of the city of his dreams, Flint, Michigan. Beeold, 32, is a longtime player and fan of the Fallout game series, which was revitalized by the recent success of a TV adaptation featured on Amazon Prime. Since his first playthrough of Fallout New Vegas, Lou has, for some reason, fantasized about journeying through landscapes of monochromatic squalor like those seen permeating every inch of the Fallout universe. But now, dear reader, he doesn’t have to daydream.
We at the Sunnyside Instigator learned of Lou’s travel plans after his brother, Thomas N. Beeold, who asked to remain anonymous but who we’ve decided will not, left us a tip about his siblings deranged view of the less affluent parts of the upper Midwest. Thomas told us that “he’s got some strange idea that it’s like a fucking videogame wasteland up there, and he keeps telling everyone that he’s the ‘lone wanderer’ who’s gonna ‘fight him some ghouls’ and ‘drink up the irradiated water.'” As for Lou’s motives, Thomas said “I’m not sure if it’s some sadistic shit or what but he’s completely deluded for the most part. I mean the water thing is kind of true.”
We got in contact with Lou, and accompanied him on his flight to Bishop International Airport, a stones throw away from a car which took us on a twenty minute drive to Flint. The car, an Uber, moved hastily towards the less desirable parts of the city limits as directed by Beeold. Our Uber driver informed us that we were “fucking idiots for even driving in these parts” and that it would be wise to quote, “take our white asses home.” Beeold, however, had his mind set, and whispered that he “wasn’t going to listen to some loser who would probably side with the Brotherhood of Steel.” Thankfully, we at the Sunnyside Instigator aren’t fucking nerds, so we didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.
The trip was brought to an abrupt end, at least for our reporters, when Beeold saw a rather tall, disoriented homeless man who was likely strung out on several varieties of amphetamines, and exclaimed that he had “found a super mutant!” At which point he took a pistol out of his jeans pockets–which we did not know he had, and which he had somehow managed to bring through both TSA and aboard a seven hour flight–and blew the man’s head directly off. Beeold then collected the mans “loot”, as he put it, and scampered off to “look for more mutant shits.” Thankfully for Beeold, there is not really a large police presence in Flint, and so, as far as we can tell, he is still on the loose, confronting our nations homelessness problem head on.