Mark you calendars ladies, gentlemen, and otherwise! On Friday, January 16th, from 3-4PM the WVU philosophy club will be ushering in 2026 with the starting of a new yearly tradition; The 1st Annual WVU Philosophy Club Cigarette Smoking Competition! Students of all majors, ages, and constitutions are welcome and encouraged to attend, to see how they rank among the heavier smokers of WVU’s student population.
Carlo Moriarty, a member of the club, and reigning champion of last years unofficial Philosophy Club smoking contest as well as various smoking competitions nationwide, says that he “can’t wait to show these lil freshies what a real smoker looks like”, and that the abilities of his lungs in regards to the speed section of the contest this Friday will be “unmatched”. He later stated to one of our reporters, albeit off the record, that if it came down to it, he could “suck the dust out of a running vacuum”. His current time in the 100 length category (Moriarty’s cigarette of choice is the Marlboro 100) stands at an impressive 27 seconds, with an almost unbelievable average of 1.86 puffs per dart. On his performance, a contemporary of Moriarty’s has stated that “seeing someone smoke a cigarette with such speed, deftness, and effort, is downright haunting. It…it shouldn’t be possible.”
Several competitors, who have wished to remain anonymous, claim that Moriarty is “washed”, “unable to perform like he did in years past”, and also, “a massive fucking loser”. We cannot make comment on the validity of any of these claims, but we at the Sunnyside Instigator have gathered that one doesn’t become a champion cigarette smoker without burning a few bridges, among other things.
The competition will take place from 3PM-4PM on the 16th, and will consist of several events, including the aforementioned single cigarette speed section, overall quantity of cigarettes smoked, shortest time to smoke an entire pack, and most roaches put out on tongue.
Underage students and those financially unable to purchase cigarettes of their own will be happy to know that Lucky Strikes will be provided complimentarily. We hope to see you, dear reader, at the Mountainlair!
(It should be noted that the event is pending official University approval and sponsorship, but will take place regardless of these outcomes)
