You know it, you love it, and if you’ve had the pleasure of being alive at any point after the year 1600, you’ve certainly heard of the new fangled, futuristic, state of the art power source that is coal. Despite many popular beliefs and demands, coal is somehow actually still being used to power American infrastructure, even in this, the year of our lord, two thousand and twenty five. That’s right sonny, the energy powering your modern home and technology that you use to stream internet porn and play Clash Royale in class instead of paying attention, may just have come from little morsels of those black diamonds mined right in your backyard. And as students of West Virginia University, we’re no strangers to it! Coal can be found everywhere, from the sprawling hills of our beautiful state, which we annihilate and level daily to mine the stuff, to the lungs of our citizens. Coal truly never quits.
In fact, several doctors have informed us, at the Sunnyside Instigator, of the regenerative and cavity preventing properties of coal, and how it can be found in numerous tooth and mouth care products around the globe. But here’s a little tip from us at the Sunnyside Instigator: (Try this, kids at home!) Instead of getting that processed, nonsense coal they run through fancy machinery in order for it to be “safe for human consumption”, just go to your local coal mine, ask for a nice little lump from the reject bin, and eat it right there in front of the miners, and watch their approving expressions as they see you move towards the epitome of dental care.
To respect these beautiful uses of coal, the recently terrible WVU football team decided to once again honor the substance at their yearly “coal rush” game Saturday, this year against the TCU Horned Frogs. To show how much they really care about coal―what West Virginia knows best―the WVU football team decided to show what they know best, and as always, lost the game horribly. And what a game it was! The marching band, too embarrassed to perform for their own team, turned all the lights off and crept around the field in complete darkness, eventually sneaking back to their stands before anyone could notice.
All we can say in the end, is that if it were up to us at the Sunnyside Instigator, that mystical, ungodly energy source they call Nuclear, would be thrown right out, and in its place there would be a coal mine, processing facility, and power plant on every street, forest, and endangered habitat in this beautiful country. God bless America, God Bless Coal, and God help the WVU Football Team.
