If you happened to be Downton, in Reynold’s hall this afternoon at around 3:00pm, you may have been startled by the noise of a loud, unusual, and singular bang which emanated from the third floor lecture halls.
But no need to worry my beautiful summer child! It was simply a man exercising his God given, constitutional right to bring a fully loaded Magnum 45, tucked in his waist band, into his Econ 104 class. The University has told us that these sorts of things are simply to be expected, and that it would be foolish to pay any mind to what will soon be a casual incident on campus.
From what we gathered from the students on the scene, who asked to remain anonymous, the individual was “sort of scratching his balls, but like with the method where you like pinch and roll it, y’know. But then he was like, leaning over, trying a little too hard to hide it, and he was in this weird position, and I guess there was just too much pressure on the trigger, and that shit went off.” We were told that directly following the discharge, the student let out a loud “YEOWCH!” But proceeded to fall quickly back into his seat, hoping no one would have heard the unsilenced 45mm round that was just fired at point blank range, in a 400 square foot classroom, directly into his testicles and phalus.
In a move that can only be equated to the likes of Teddy Roosevelt delivering a 50 page speech directly after being shot in the chest by an attempted assassin, the student sat nonchalantly through the remaining forty five minutes of his one hour and fifteen minute lecture, even checking the weather in Cupertino, and his Bluetooth settings to pass the time. The student, we are, told, was seen limping in his now red pants to the PRT departing from Beechurst towards the health science campus, probably in order to have a doctor get a good look at the remainder of his member. The individual has asked to remain anonymous.
All we can say to you, Marcus F. Hoenikker, is get well soon! You probably didn’t want to have kids anyway.
