A heartbreaking scene went down at the Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity’s “Wine Wednesday” party last night, when sophomore pledge Dawson Turner performed a keg stand that was timed as lasting a meager 2.6 seconds. An eyewitness informant, who requested to remain anonymous, told us that it was “some sorry shit, yo”. The informant claimed that “the girls were hyping him up and everything, and then he got on the keg for a couple seconds and the beer just went everywhere on the floor and his shirt and he got off. I don’t even think he managed to drink any.” From what we’ve gathered, it was shortly after this act that all the girls in attendance, after being thoroughly turned off, began to leave in droves. Turner was apparently asked to leave with them.
Earlier this morning, a brother of Alpha Sigma Phi told us, an emergency chapter meeting was called, and a quick vote ended with Turner being immediately and permanently expelled from the fraternal organization, as a result of “actions that went directly against the foundational principles of this brotherhood” and “being a lame lil bitch”. The vote we are told, was unanimous. We were also told of many other words and sentiments that were shared in regards to Turner’s little stunt, which we will refrain from mentioning, in order to leave him with some remaining sense of dignity.
We asked some of the ladies in attendance what their thoughts on the event were, two declined to comment, but two did get back to us, one stating that “he should’ve just stuck with the wine, this all could’ve been avoided” and the other reported that “it was like a car crash on the highway, you know?” “You figure you should probably look away out of respect or whatever, but you just can’t.”
Turner himself was unavailable for comment. All there is to say now is that we wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors searching for fraternal brotherhood, but to be quite honest, we think his career in Greek Life is probably over.
